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« #3: Peer Comments | Main | #5 Utopia: Paradise in Pollution and Overpopulation »

October 05, 2004

Comments

Maryam Adil

Joseph,
This is a very well-written post. It is clear that you have thought about the topic quite a bit. Your thesis, in particular, is very concise and to the point.It, basically, sums up the whole point of your post in one sentence. There are few points, however, that I would like for you to keep in mind for your next post. Reread the first two sentences of your introduction. When I read it, I couldn't really get what you were trying to say. Maybe you could reword those sentences in to something like this: "Historical context plays an important role in the art of that particular era". Secondly,be carful of over repetition. Some of the ideas seemed to have been repeated many times. For example,in the introduction, you bring up the "historical context" repeatedly. This takes away from the main point of your thesis. Thirdly, be sure to make the language a tad more formal.For example, you have used phrases such as: "a good-for-nothing drunk", "a few bottles of booze", "he has become too full of pride as he boasts with them" quite a bit.
All in all, Great Job!!!

Kamal Patel

First of all, I'd just like to say wow. You are very articulate, and you have great diction. You are very clear, and concise in your analysis. All of these things help to sophisticate your post and make it generally more enjoyable for the reader. I honestly enjoyed reading it. I did find a few mistakes, however. They were petty ones. Some sentences could have been worded better to make them clearer, such as "The Native American is standing unbalanced and leaning on his umbrella, smoking a cigarette, holding a fan, and carrying a few bottles of booze while being dressed in the clothing from the white settlements." I believe that there is a syntactical error in that sentence where you are listing things. I think it would be more correct to write the sentece like this: "The Native American is standing unbalanced, and leaning on his umbrella, smoking a cigarette, holding a fan, carrying a few bottles of booze, and dressed in western clothes. (I think 'western clothes' in place of 'clothes from the western settlement' sort of 'declutters' it) Otherwise, I thought it was a good post, I liked reading it.

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